exordiri

'in less than an hour' We each can feel a second. We each can feel the time move forward. Time leads us all from our sunset to our sunrise. Like trains on a rail, there's no way to reverse the course. It is constant and fast. Unable for us to even dare to chase. But I want to just live this moment with this cold night. I want to kiss darkness instead of searching for light. The existence of time remained uncertain, As the night extended its arms to warp another timeline. But I didn't choose to stay awake tonight Just to count down the numbers remaining and Imagine what my life next year would be like. I don't want to overthink stuff that is beyond my control. What matters to me most right now is I want to have a toast. I certainly did well hanging, although desperately, onto the thin thread laid out. I don't mind doing it all again in 2021. ー侘寂.

 two bodies, one heart, and a half-hearted I'm a miserable, pathetic, and indecisive human being. In the hopes of concealing that reality, I tried a lot of things so all my mistakes could be forgotten. And I had no idea I'd find consolation in sex, which I chose out of desperation. I met this guy. Tall, average build, pale skin, looks like someone who can be easily fooled because of his kind face and kind personality. He is someone I didn't see coming nor expect to involve himself with me. He's like a gentle breeze that enters through my window in the summer heat. That's why I've been running away from him, scared that I might taint him. But I can't distance myself from him.  So, I've been running in circles. While I'm dreading to know how he feels about me, I can't get his flushed ears and shaky breath out of my mind. My senses have become strangely intensified as I listen to his loud heartbeat and us kissing. I thought I wanna hear more o...

Embracing Gravity Losing the place where I can belong while floating near the clouds, I've always been looking for a place where my feet can land on. And getting bound by you, I've finally got to land on the ground. You smell of home, my love. ー侘寂.

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...

Soul-Search How will you know yourself, If you always link it with others? Can you remember where you came from? Can you still recognize every path you took? Where is the child who once dreamed? Where did you hide him? Did you bury him? The person closest to you is yourself, But even that person is now a stranger to you. What did you do and why did you drive yourself away? Seeking love from others is what drained you and made you exhausted. Know that life isn't always meant to be with somebody, But to find reconciliation with yourself is what you need. ー 侘寂.

Forget Youn't It was supposed to be our first meeting, and yet I was certain I've known you from the moment our eyes met. Familiar scenarios with you then flashed in my mind. The two of us used to walk home while we held hands; You bought me my favorite burger when I fell sick; And I loved it every time I pinch your earlobes because it's squishy. We've done a lot of things, and this is exactly why the hole in my heart that was left by you can't be filled. You wore an iron face and stared at me with those cold eyes, to what seems like a stranger in front of you.  I'm now a person who won't even cross your mind even before and after you sleep. To think that for you to get away from me is what I used to want, I'd be lying if I said I'm glad you finally forget of my existence because this is never fine. But just like what happened to us, this lingering regret will not last.   I'm just content with shrouding myself in those memories. As it is the only...

"Paghilom" Dumating sa punto na ang buwan ang natatanging sandalan, Dito lamang pinapakita ang lahat ng kahinaan at kapaguran. Gumagaan ang loob sa tuwing tinatamaan ng liwanag na Mula sa buwan, unti-unting iniibsan nito ang lamig at manhid sa pusong basag. At sa pag-sapit ng araw ay muling babalik sa reyalidad, Patuloy lamang sa pagtakbo ang oras at hindi ka nito babalikan sakaling ikaw ay maiwan. Bumibigat na ang katawan ngunit kailangan ihakbang ang nangangawit na mga paa Para sa tahanan na nawasak, gagawin ang lahat para maibalik kaya't patuloy pa rin na hihinga.  ー侘 寂. #BangonLuzon

 Stay Present 'I wish I could turn back time.' How many times does that thought cross your mind? Those were the moments when you don't know where it went wrong.  You lay on your bed and feel the weight of your worries, you're busy trying to find out why. You wanted to know what mistakes you made and apologize for what you did. If only you could turn back time and change your past. But it's a good thing that such a selfish request is impossible to ever happen.  Because even though we had such thoughts, we'll eventually realize that it won't even make such a difference.  After wandering around and getting lost in the past for a long time which you badly want to forget, Life will always run past you. No matter what you did at that time, you'll repeat another failure and regret it again.   ー侘 寂.

  Mania What a beautiful night, as always. And yet, this is another sleepless night for one who desperately waits. When is this going to end? I felt like it was forever. I can still remember, although vague. Your dazzling eyes shined brightly under the moonlight at the window, with a tiny smile on your face. But as I dug deeper into my memories of you, every time I thought of it, my chest tightened.  After getting a taste of that sweetness you gave, even if it was brief, I couldn’t escape from it. I was trapped. I felt lonely. Possessed by your fading scent. Now, I had to acknowledge the immeasurable distance you created between us. Even farther than the stars gleaming brilliantly in the evening sky. Worry not, that didn't matter as I tried to convince myself that I’m okay without learning your whereabouts. Still, I wasn’t okay at all. I was lying to myself. I was drunk on the warmth and affection that I felt for the first time in my life, not knowing I was like a moth drawn t...

How Many Tons Does A Heart Weigh? I wonder how my heart's been doing lately Does it get cold and feel alone? It beats ever so slightly When was the last time when it felt all warm and fuzzy? It's been so long since it had its last company If... only if you could return to my arms ----- No, I must stop myself from even trying to remember you I know you've been living life the way you want it After you freed yourself from my intoxicating embrace But, what do I do with these emotions that remain? My heart went dry and is struggling to contain The heavyweight that remains in my chest I can only struggle helplessly, thoughts are still clouded  How soft must I have gone?  It's no problem for you but mine Breaking down under the pale moonlight  Wondering when will my heart be alright. ー侘 寂.

The Million-Dollar Question Remember the time when you asked me, "Can you let me know you, a bit more?" I'm not sure what kind of expression I made Realizing I was willing to let you take a peek Behind this mask and learn who I am But I don't really expect you to stay nor Am I letting you remain by my side after You discover the scars and wounds that I conceal By acting nice and tough like it never stings To be able to know me Is like giving you a reason To forget that you ever met me It's the price that we must pay And no compensation can be accepted  That is the only way I can live my life Where I can not be reminded of shame So, what do you choose... Will you take it, or leave it? Are you willing to risk the faint chance To get closer to someone like me When you know you will gain nothing? ー侘 寂.

Good Love I believe it won't take long When you find someone that could Swim throughout your storm and Go with you even though you're wrong  Hold your hand while you strum The guitar and play your favorite song Together But will it ever? Good love is just around the corner But many lost their sense of direction  Keep your faith in having bright days ahead Concentrate on taking care of yourself So that when the day finally comes And you found the perfect one, Your heart and soul are ready To embrace another love. ー侘 寂.

Muna Ano'ng ibig mo'ng sabihin, Sa mga katagang, 'Hindi tayo ganito dati.'? Masyado ito'ng malabo at hindi na maintindihan  Ang mga salitang lumalabas pa sa 'yong bibig Hindi ko na maramdaman ang dati nating paghuhumaling Hindi na kaya ng pag-ibig mo na umabot pa sa'kin Titigil na muna siguro ako sa pag-iisip at sa pag pilit Na alamin kung ano ba ang tunay na nangyari Nandito lang ako sa lugar kung saan ako makahihinga Kahit na sa iyong tabi ang pinakagusto ko'ng puntahan Huwag sana lumamig ang panahon para sa'tin Ngunit pakiramdam ko ay mga alaala nalang ang nalalabi Sa manipis na taling nakagapos sa ating dalawa. ー侘 寂.

Redemption and Damnation  For the 20 years that I've been here on Earth Barely living in the same old world Just letting the days pass by like I'm watching a film I've always wanted to die. I've done things worse than the criminals I broke hearts, let someone feel bad because of the piercing words I threw at them, left them alone without any reason at all, discarded people like they're nothing. And now, all the sins I've done so far is coming back to me As I lay to rest on my cold and clunky bed Even with my tired eyes, I can't sleep a wink The shadows of the past kept crawling at my feet. I know I won't get away from it that easily. Even though after all I did my soul could only rest in hell, I still clung to the hope that I would continue to breathe But to hope that ridiculous thing for scum like me is something I shouldn't consider in the first place I know that very well but that's a wish that comes with a risk. Until for the first time, when...

 Reality Cuffs My heart was beating but I was no different from a dead person. There is no place for me in this world, hope is merely an illusion.  Standing alone in the vast emptiness, nothing remained after the end of the horizon. But there's still a firm ground beneath my feet to stand on. I don't know for how long I'd reflect on those days. Just wishing for the pain, this life, to end someday so I could escape.  Yet for the first time, I saw the ferocious flame trapped inside me. I feel a strange but warm relief enveloping the pain, sadness, and loneliness that it's confusing. Would I be able to go somewhere? A faraway place where no one can find me. But a dream is only sweet while you're still dreaming. And when I awoke I would sit and stare, still possessed by that dream.  ー侘 寂.

Horror Tales You Tell To Children They say evil is much overwhelming and sinister when the night is deep. It's almost 3 am on the clock, the peak hours have arrived, and the time is ticking.  In a dark room, you laid on your warm bed but you can't stop shivering. You gazed straight ahead on something that was seemingly a shadow,   Suddenly it started moving, shifting in the dark. "Sleep, sleep.." you consoled yourself, pushing away the thoughts that you deemed unnecessary. Though your heart pounced so intense as well as your anxiety. You suddenly ended up asking yourself, "Which is far stronger, the ghosts or your fears?" You realize nothing troubles you at night more than your foolish sins. You finally cleared your head and was struck by fatigue. It is better to be afraid of something nonexistent, Than to direct those feelings to where you can't escape by dreaming. ー侘 寂. (Happy Holloween Season.....time to light up some candles and visit the graves of y...

Wala ako'ng maisip na title pero Kapag hindi nakuha ang inaasahang pag-ibig, tulad ng nakagawian ay ipapasa ang kasalanan at pilit magkukunwari. Hanggang sa siya na ang kusang kumalas at ikaw ay nanatili pa rin na malinis, Binabagabag lamang ng maruming konsensya ngunit kinabukasan din ay babalik sa dating gawi.  ー侘 寂. (masama mang-ghost.)

Kinalimutang Yugto Humihingi ako ng paumanhin sa mga iniwan ko'ng bakas,  pati sa mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa'yo ng ating wakas. Hindi naging maganda ang mga nangyari bago tuldukan ang pinagsamahan,  nanlalamig at nanginginig na inabot sa'yo ang aking kamay upang maayos na magpaalam. Patuloy na umaalingawngaw sa tainga ang lumipas na panahon, ilang puno na rin ang nagsilagas at matiyagang sumibol nang walang oras na sinusunod. Kumportable tayong nakaupo noon sa ilalim ng kadiliman,  natitiis ang malamig na Nobyembre dahil sa kwentuhang umaabot sa sukdulan.  Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na hindi naging mabait sa atin ang naturinang tadhana,  unti-unting tinutunaw ng oras ang munting alaala na ikaw ang nilalaman. Ngayon ay malabo na sa'kin ang nangyari nitong nagdaan,  ngunit sariwa pa rin ang matinding panghihinayang. Palaging hirap makahinga,  mga mata ko'y mariin na nakapikit. May nakapatong na malaking bato sa'king dibdib, at para ba'ng may mga nakatus...

Pluto We've got to go, please forgive my impudence  Everyone's already heading toward tomorrow Loosen your grip and take off of your hands I know this is rude of me but I hope you'd let go Stop clinging, we all need to walk forward The blinding light ahead of us is brimming with hope Do not cover your eyes and let's face it head-on All efforts aren't a waste, even the scars, and tears we shed We've got to go, please find rest in your heart  Everyone's already heading toward their homes.  ー侘 寂.

'bay'-ond the promised the sound of waves crashing onto the shore where the cries from a distant land that traveled  through the vast lone waters, that has gone along the violent storms allowed me to harbor the stories that went on beyond the horizon I'm scared to claim what is considered mine tongue-tied every time I am being asked I can't exactly determine what should befall in these hands, but all I know is that I am far from being content with what I have dance along the beach, sing the songs with calming melodies follow where the clouds flow up in the skies, we just got to keep moving until we reach the boundary I tried hard to keep believing that I have a purpose for being alive even though the sands bury my legs whenever I try to struggle and escape I still need to be calm and remember that I don't wish to stay in just one place help me uncover the path that stretches across the other side of the vague horizon no matter if my body breaks while doing it I will...

When The Duckling Saw Its Shell  Whenever I breathe it hurts my lungs because the air is so heavy, I felt a throbbing in the pit of my stomach. My body has gone numb, my ears are ringing so loudly and my eyes are so fogged up like I'm going blind. Is this what normally happens when you finally reached your limit? Is this how much I can tolerate the abusive emotions I have? I thought I can do better. I've always successfully escaped difficult situations before things get out of hand. All this time, I endured endlessly to prevent falling into the pit of pain. I thought these feelings will disappear into thin air.  I thought I'm finally safe in my solitary confinement, but I should have known they won't let me off so easily.  I can still feel their hands crawling up on my skin, gripping my wrists with an immense force that it left a deep mark.  The overwhelming anxiety froze my fingertips up to my chest. Suddenly, I can't move an inch. My head is spinning and I want to...

  4:30pm alipin ng nararamdaman kahit anong tanggi  kahit anong iwas bibigay pa rin ang mga tuhod manghihina ang kalamnan iiyak kapag masakit o kap ag puno ng hinagpis. alipin pa rin n g sarili nating damdamin hindi na binibigyang pansin ang tumututol na isip apektado s a mga desisyon na akala'y tama sa mga sinukong alaala na pilit kinakalimutan walang takas kapag narinig ang pamilyar na tinig  mula sa pusong hindi na maisasalba walang hangganang pagtitiis sa bulong ng konsensya habang buhay nang alipin sa sariling karimlan. ー侘 寂.

White the subtle  n oise of the  rain and  the scent of wet soil climbed up to my room that it felt like it meant to look after me and put  me at ease. distracted by the sound of a downpour, my mind started to drift. I never felt this calm wrapping myself to the cold. I felt I'm forgiven by the ghosts of the night as my witnesses. collapsed on the damp floor inside the messy bathroom, gripping a strange small bottle until my knuckles turned white is what they'll find once it's over. I doubt anyone could even realize what I'm about to do at this hour. I lowered my gaze and saw my hideous reflection against the wet surface. disheveled black hair that passes both of my shoulder blades, eyes that resemble of dead fish's, white lips with busted skin, a pale complexion caused by anemia, and a body that has been marked by the abundance of sinners and victims.  I hate what I'm seeing. I despise how angry yet vulnerable I appear on the smeared ground. It genuinely makes ...

  Drug Antagonism The candles we lit up are slowly burning out. The days for us are nearing its end. An unstoppable train came fast approaching, with unsteady breaks that made us wonder where we might end up crashing.  One thing is certain. We'll end up in different places. Different path. Different world. Different lives.  And this is the last time that we'll ever get to see our faces.  The bitter-sweet moments we shared would feel like a dream. We'd eventually forget our promises, secrets, and committed sins.  Everything about us would sink deeper into our subconsciousness, locked away in our memories. Prevent it from ever emerging to keep us away from our conflicts. We've done enough. Finally, we will be on our way as if nothing happened. And that's how it should be. It's better this way. Always been.  ー侘寂.

  Chrysalis "How can you not fall in love when you just had a passionate kiss with someone you don't know?" a friend asked, referring to the actors of a popular romance movie that were sharing a passionate kiss in a car. It's an iconic scene. And it's being shown on an old television to where we're spending our day off.     It's an odd topic for a lazy afternoon on a Sunday, while we're enjoying the taste of coffee from a newly opened coffee shop downtown. We could've talked about something common. Like things about our work, or the weather, or even the models of the cars that are passing by outside the window. However, this is uncalled for but harmless. It's not weird either but for some reason, it made me feel things. It sparked my interest rather than our usual small talks.     I took a long sip, my mind started to wander as I reminisce based on what she wants to know. It suddenly felt like I'm carefully picking out the best photo albums...

Pharisäer I found myself peering in the deep chasm The hidden force it mysteriously possesses intensify every second that pass It's pulling me in, sucking me in. I hesitated Thinking if I should let myself absorb by it. One night, I was having the usual nightmares Covered in sweat, I keep on mumbling random words to calm myself I subconsciously reached the empty space beside me and  Held my breath when I realized what I just did 'Habit,' I sighed. The loneliness then came over me.  I've been convincing myself that I'm better off alone That it's fine to leave if the people that once bonded are now torn apart By their own decisions, self-defined love, and sins they can't atone The bottle I'm holding felt cold in my palm but it sufficed the emptiness I have I keep drinking and drinking until it feels like I made the right choice. I often pass by the store we used to dine Stroll by the routes we used to take Everywhere I went, anywhere I see Is all the same ...

Astral Projection   no matter how hard I try no matter how strong my grip is no matter how secured the knot no matter how tight I hold onto I keep slipping away to everything. ー侘寂.

Aeon (tagalog) Patuloy lamang ang takbo ng oras Ni hindi kailanman bumabalik o humihinto Ngunit puwedeng maulit, puwedeng ipagpatuloy Sa ibang araw, sa ibang panahon Tulad na lamang nang makilala ka Nagawa kang mahalin at minahal mo rin ako pabalik Sa mga araw na ikaw ang rason ng ligaya at lungkot Alam ko na sa lahat nang pagkakamali noon, tanging ikaw lang ang naging tamang desisyon Hindi ko manlang magawang pagsisihan Kahit nang tuluyang binalot na ng lamig ang ating pagitan Tayo'y pikit-matang nagpasya na 'wag nang patagalin at ihinto na Hanggang ngayon ay naiisip ko'ng kaya ko pa Na dugtungan ang lahat ng alaala Sa ibang araw, sa ibang oras Ngunit hindi na sa'yo.  Patuloy lamang ang takbo ng oras Hindi na kailanman babalik o hihinto Kung ano ang natapos ay hindi na dapat pa na ipagpatuloy Ngunit bakit nandito pa rin ako, mahigpit na nakakapit sa nakaraan?  Sa kagustuhang maalala pa rin ang masaya at masakit nating kasaysayan, hindi ko na nagawang sumabay pa sa agos...

You can't entirely love yourself if you're not aware of your good points. How can you even begin without knowing where to start? No matter how you convince yourself that you don't need any help when you are about to change, at the end of the day, we still gotta rely on others and ask them about the things they love about us as a person. We have to trust what they say. Because sometimes, they can see what we can't. Ironic it may seem, they know some of the parts that are unknown to us. The only time we can be familiar with ourselves is when we know how we are with people around us and when we are alone. And that's the only time we can start taking care of ourselves. With the help of those who's been with us through the best times and the worst. ー侘寂.

'anxiety in love' never knew waiting can be this heavy every tick of the clock amplified along with my heartbeat cold sweat forming on my palms, chapped lips yearning for the water to run I hate how this is making me feel like I'm never enough to fill you up have you forgotten the nights we spent laughing and knowing what we fear the most? even the days we'd waste making plans that we expect to do in our homes? I never want to consider all of this is a waste because I admit I had fun I don't even want to ask for a break of all the things I don't know, you are on the top of it because I never knew what you wanted to do with me even so, I've always stayed honest with you and maybe that's why you grew bored of me what would you even want to do to someone who will immediately cling to you with just a snap of your fingers? where's the fun in it? it performs no thrill please don't lie to me now, don't lie to me high strung but I'm trying. ー侘寂.

'locker' How can you keep a heart when you can't even see it? How can you keep another heart when you keep rejecting yours? ー侘寂.

'alcohol = world peace' What is the common thing among people with different skin color, origin, and beliefs? They still get drunk every night.  ー侘寂.

in the clouds is the place I long to be now the heavens are within my reach and only a few meters away from my fingertips I bet no one has ever gone this far but like the rain, I'm forever bound to fall. ー侘寂.

'a curse or a blessing?' Will I be saved, if I pray to the heavens?  Because the demons you left stayed with me. ー侘寂.

SUPERNOVA the love I had for you shattered into dust it painted the night sky and twinkled like the stars my eyes can't see through the thick fog, I can't even properly breathe as my heart keeps weighing me down. the pent up feelings were seeping through the cracks. it's only a matter of time until the trigger comes. let me run away from you let me run away from you let me fly through the galaxies before the stars explode let me pass the gateway of your heart, I want to leave I want out, I accept defeat you won the senseless battle did you finally felt relief?  does it really matter who hurt who? who  hit first? who leaves first? we both suffer the same pain doesn't matter how many scars leave me alone, free me  from your harmful grip your pride can't even  take the heavy truth sailing through the bitter air hovering me was our memories the ship is gonna wreck it'd only take a short time before we collide someplace. ー侘寂.

HEART AND DEAD I saw you hanging on one of the thick  branches of your  favorite tree, wearing  your yesterday's clothes  when we went out to  eat our usual burgers and ice cream I saw how your body turned white and your black-stained lips remained open like you were trying so hard to catch your breath I don't want to think you changed your mind in the middle of doing what you've always done and I don't want to know  the reason behind  your quick hesitation I won't applaud you for the act you pulled But I'd be lying if I said you're not as beautiful as you were yesterday the tight marks around your neck, swollen small wrists, your delicate skin that once felt so smooth and now as hard as marble against my palm;  these things only  added how awfully  aesthetic you can be I feel sick for admiring your beautiful corpse;  for the fire in my heart  still burns intensely  because of you I feel pathetic for feeling  this eve...

CIGARETTES AFTER METH as usual, tonight is cold but with you by my side,  it changes everything just help me lit this cigarette and let's puff a smoke together crazy how vast the sky is  untouched and can only be admired a thousand miles away from where our feet are planted I can't fathom what it'd be like to be there but there I thought, it's just like you I saw how you pout your lips before it kissed the cigarette with it and damn, trust me, you look so lovely, so lovely even with your downward eyes that looked sad all the time these arms of mine want to hold you and stop you from breaking and falling apart even with all the smoke hovering us that came from our mouths and the cold fog, it couldn't mask what we are feeling it couldn't hide my adoration towards you how I wish you'd realize you're not as empty as you thought co'z like the sky, it might be clear for the moment but that doesn't make it less amazing and astonishing to look at your em...

VELLICHOR these letters in my hand contained the words that are written with my  feelings from the past, this is the evidence of how much I've been trying to find  the comfort and love that w ould be right for me. thinking back, I was genuinely happy with them--- their arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and received soft kisses that can even  make my demons dance to it.  everything felt right, terribly right.  I even felt the butterflies in my stomach. but emotions and feelings, for me, were such a mystery far greater than Jesus and the city of Atlantis. we experience these things without us learning what it actually means, and create an abundance of  victims because of it. and as I scanned through these papers, it felt like I involuntarily peeked into  the world where I used to be in. I had bittersweet memories with it, and it's not like I'd want to remember further.  but it's gratifying to see how far I went through, realizing this great dist...