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#51

 two bodies, one heart, and a half-hearted


I'm a miserable, pathetic, and indecisive human being.

In the hopes of concealing that reality, I tried a lot of things so all my mistakes could be forgotten.


And I had no idea I'd find consolation in sex, which I chose out of desperation.

I met this guy. Tall, average build, pale skin, looks like someone who can be easily fooled because of his kind face and kind personality.

He is someone I didn't see coming nor expect to involve himself with me.

He's like a gentle breeze that enters through my window in the summer heat.


That's why I've been running away from him, scared that I might taint him.

But I can't distance myself from him. So, I've been running in circles.


While I'm dreading to know how he feels about me, I can't get his flushed ears and shaky breath out of my mind.

My senses have become strangely intensified as I listen to his loud heartbeat and us kissing. I thought I wanna hear more of it.

He doesn't hesitate to lick the dirty traces left on my body. It feels like I'm being cleansed with each stroke of his tongue against my skin and all I could do is moan his name. I felt saved by him.


The smell of sweat, nectar, and vodka. Unexpected affection. Lingering regrets.

I cannot afford to let myself drown in these feelings.

But regardless of what's on my mind, he easily blurs out everything.


I admit I feel a sense of relief that he is the one who consoled me.

I can't help but be honest with myself that I've fallen for him.

Maybe all this time, all I need is to share warmth with another lonely person.

That way, I can convince myself that I'm still human.. that I'm still acceptable.. and that I still have a purpose in this world.

 To share warmth. 

ー侘寂.

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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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#61

'consistently inconsistent' Tired of running and chasing While facing the doors that were heavily locked  Which is believed to contain endless joy and peace inside of it I don't know when I could catch it up Those were still miles and miles away from my reach So when I sat down, I quietly told myself that, 'You need a strong heart to easily get back on track after a short rest.' I regret that I took advantage of the belief which often happens in films That no matter what hardship takes place, it will always have a happy ending When I realized all that was just made up I can't help but laugh especially at things  That requires effort and struggle Because deep down, I knew I was still weak I know I still can’t do anything in the end I'm shameless to even whine about everything Without even giving my all when I'm trying. ー侘寂.
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#49

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...
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