#51

 two bodies, one heart, and a half-hearted

I'm a miserable, pathetic, and indecisive human being.

In the hopes of concealing that reality, I tried a lot of things so all my mistakes could be forgotten.

And I had no idea I'd find consolation in sex, which I chose out of desperation.

I met this guy. Tall, average build, pale skin, looks like someone who can be easily fooled because of his kind face and kind personality.

He is someone I didn't see coming nor expect to involve himself with me.

He's like a gentle breeze that enters through my window in the summer heat.

That's why I've been running away from him, scared that I might taint him.

But I can't distance myself from him. So, I've been running in circles.

While I'm dreading to know how he feels about me, I can't get his flushed ears and shaky breath out of my mind.

My senses have become strangely intensified as I listen to his loud heartbeat and us kissing. I thought I wanna hear more of it.

He doesn't hesitate to lick the dirty traces left on my body. It feels like I'm being cleansed with each stroke of his tongue against my skin and all I could do is moan his name. I felt saved by him.

The smell of sweat, nectar, and vodka. Unexpected affection. Lingering regrets.

I cannot afford to let myself drown in these feelings.

But regardless of what's on my mind, he easily blurs out everything.

I admit I feel a sense of relief that he is the one who consoled me.

I can't help but be honest with myself that I've fallen for him.

Maybe all this time, all I need is to share warmth with another lonely person.

That way, I can convince myself that I'm still human.. that I'm still acceptable.. and that I still have a purpose in this world.

 To share warmth. 

ー侘寂.