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#30


White


the subtle noise of the rain and 

the scent of wet soil climbed up

to my room that it felt like it meant

to look after me and put me at ease.



distracted by the sound of a downpour,

my mind started to drift. I never felt this calm

wrapping myself to the cold. I felt I'm forgiven

by the ghosts of the night as my witnesses.



collapsed on the damp floor

inside the messy bathroom,

gripping a strange small bottle

until my knuckles turned white

is what they'll find once it's over.



I doubt anyone could

even realize what I'm

about to do at this hour.



I lowered my gaze and

saw my hideous reflection

against the wet surface.



disheveled black hair that passes

both of my shoulder blades,

eyes that resemble of dead fish's,

white lips with busted skin,

a pale complexion caused by anemia,

and a body that has been marked

by the abundance of sinners and victims. 



I hate what I'm seeing.

I despise how angry yet vulnerable

I appear on the smeared ground.

It genuinely makes me want to throw up.



I wanted to scratch it off and erase the reflection 

until it disappears. It suddenly feels itchy

all over my body, I can't pinpoint

where exactly is hurting. And it annoyingly stings.



It aches. It's bleeding. I'm suffocating.

I'll put an end to it. I'm finally gonna do it.



Just when I'm about to open my mouth and drink the chemicals from the tiny container, suddenly a gust of wind reached me and I felt the soft chills at the back of my neck.



"Hang tight," a familiar, low voice echoed in my ears.



Just with those two words, I burst into tears and instinctively threw away the bottle like it burned my palm. I then silently gave my thanks to whatever that tried to stop me. 


ー侘寂.


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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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#61

'consistently inconsistent' Tired of running and chasing While facing the doors that were heavily locked  Which is believed to contain endless joy and peace inside of it I don't know when I could catch it up Those were still miles and miles away from my reach So when I sat down, I quietly told myself that, 'You need a strong heart to easily get back on track after a short rest.' I regret that I took advantage of the belief which often happens in films That no matter what hardship takes place, it will always have a happy ending When I realized all that was just made up I can't help but laugh especially at things  That requires effort and struggle Because deep down, I knew I was still weak I know I still can’t do anything in the end I'm shameless to even whine about everything Without even giving my all when I'm trying. ー侘寂.
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#49

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...
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