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#30


White


the subtle noise of the rain and 

the scent of wet soil climbed up

to my room that it felt like it meant

to look after me and put me at ease.



distracted by the sound of a downpour,

my mind started to drift. I never felt this calm

wrapping myself to the cold. I felt I'm forgiven

by the ghosts of the night as my witnesses.



collapsed on the damp floor

inside the messy bathroom,

gripping a strange small bottle

until my knuckles turned white

is what they'll find once it's over.



I doubt anyone could

even realize what I'm

about to do at this hour.



I lowered my gaze and

saw my hideous reflection

against the wet surface.



disheveled black hair that passes

both of my shoulder blades,

eyes that resemble of dead fish's,

white lips with busted skin,

a pale complexion caused by anemia,

and a body that has been marked

by the abundance of sinners and victims. 



I hate what I'm seeing.

I despise how angry yet vulnerable

I appear on the smeared ground.

It genuinely makes me want to throw up.



I wanted to scratch it off and erase the reflection 

until it disappears. It suddenly feels itchy

all over my body, I can't pinpoint

where exactly is hurting. And it annoyingly stings.



It aches. It's bleeding. I'm suffocating.

I'll put an end to it. I'm finally gonna do it.



Just when I'm about to open my mouth and drink the chemicals from the tiny container, suddenly a gust of wind reached me and I felt the soft chills at the back of my neck.



"Hang tight," a familiar, low voice echoed in my ears.



Just with those two words, I burst into tears and instinctively threw away the bottle like it burned my palm. I then silently gave my thanks to whatever that tried to stop me. 


ー侘寂.


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#29

  Drug Antagonism The candles we lit up are slowly burning out. The days for us are nearing its end. An unstoppable train came fast approaching, with unsteady breaks that made us wonder where we might end up crashing.  One thing is certain. We'll end up in different places. Different path. Different world. Different lives.  And this is the last time that we'll ever get to see our faces.  The bitter-sweet moments we shared would feel like a dream. We'd eventually forget our promises, secrets, and committed sins.  Everything about us would sink deeper into our subconsciousness, locked away in our memories. Prevent it from ever emerging to keep us away from our conflicts. We've done enough. Finally, we will be on our way as if nothing happened. And that's how it should be. It's better this way. Always been.  ー侘寂.
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#35

Kinalimutang Yugto Humihingi ako ng paumanhin sa mga iniwan ko'ng bakas,  pati sa mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa'yo ng ating wakas. Hindi naging maganda ang mga nangyari bago tuldukan ang pinagsamahan,  nanlalamig at nanginginig na inabot sa'yo ang aking kamay upang maayos na magpaalam. Patuloy na umaalingawngaw sa tainga ang lumipas na panahon, ilang puno na rin ang nagsilagas at matiyagang sumibol nang walang oras na sinusunod. Kumportable tayong nakaupo noon sa ilalim ng kadiliman,  natitiis ang malamig na Nobyembre dahil sa kwentuhang umaabot sa sukdulan.  Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na hindi naging mabait sa atin ang naturinang tadhana,  unti-unting tinutunaw ng oras ang munting alaala na ikaw ang nilalaman. Ngayon ay malabo na sa'kin ang nangyari nitong nagdaan,  ngunit sariwa pa rin ang matinding panghihinayang. Palaging hirap makahinga,  mga mata ko'y mariin na nakapikit. May nakapatong na malaking bato sa'king dibdib, at para ba'ng may mga nakatus...
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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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