#44

 Mania

What a beautiful night, as always.

And yet, this is another sleepless night for one who desperately waits.

When is this going to end? I felt like it was forever.

I can still remember, although vague. Your dazzling eyes shined brightly under the moonlight at the window, with a tiny smile on your face. But as I dug deeper into my memories of you, every time I thought of it, my chest tightened. 

After getting a taste of that sweetness you gave, even if it was brief, I couldn’t escape from it. I was trapped. I felt lonely. Possessed by your fading scent.

Now, I had to acknowledge the immeasurable distance you created between us. Even farther than the stars gleaming brilliantly in the evening sky. Worry not, that didn't matter as I tried to convince myself that I’m okay without learning your whereabouts.

Still, I wasn’t okay at all. I was lying to myself.

I was drunk on the warmth and affection that I felt for the first time in my life, not knowing I was like a moth drawn to a flame. I was slowly losing myself within it, and almost got burned. But I'm greedy and stubborn, I know the burns would heal over time.

So, to be honest, every day felt like dying and every night I was filled with hatred for myself. I'm prideful enough that I couldn’t bear the fact that the cause of you slipping away was me. 

This must be my punishment, befitting for someone rotten and overly selfish.

I'm just going to shatter and disappear like a speck of dust without even redeeming myself.

Regardless, I won't get tired of admiring the beautiful night and play the guessing game of where you might be. I'll still wait for you... as always. 

ー侘寂.