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#14

VELLICHOR


these letters in my hand contained
the words that are written with my feelings from the past,

this is the evidence of how much
I've been trying to find the comfort and love that would be right for me.




thinking back, I was genuinely
happy with them--- their arms
wrapped tightly around my waist,

and received soft kisses that can even make my demons dance to it. 




everything felt right, terribly right. 
I even felt the butterflies in my stomach.




but emotions and feelings, for me,
were such a mystery far greater
than Jesus and the city of Atlantis.

we experience these things without
us learning what it actually means,
and create an abundance of 
victims because of it.




and as I scanned through these papers,
it felt like I involuntarily peeked into the world where I used to be in.

I had bittersweet memories with it,
and it's not like I'd want to remember further. 




but it's gratifying to see how far I went through,
realizing this great distance from me and the person I was described in the letters,

I can tell that I'm still as miserable as ever.



ー侘寂.

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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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#61

'consistently inconsistent' Tired of running and chasing While facing the doors that were heavily locked  Which is believed to contain endless joy and peace inside of it I don't know when I could catch it up Those were still miles and miles away from my reach So when I sat down, I quietly told myself that, 'You need a strong heart to easily get back on track after a short rest.' I regret that I took advantage of the belief which often happens in films That no matter what hardship takes place, it will always have a happy ending When I realized all that was just made up I can't help but laugh especially at things  That requires effort and struggle Because deep down, I knew I was still weak I know I still can’t do anything in the end I'm shameless to even whine about everything Without even giving my all when I'm trying. ー侘寂.
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#49

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...
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