#39

Redemption and Damnation 

For the 20 years that I've been here on Earth

Barely living in the same old world

Just letting the days pass by like I'm watching a film

I've always wanted to die.

I've done things worse than the criminals

I broke hearts, let someone feel bad because of the piercing words I threw at them, left them alone without any reason at all, discarded people like they're nothing.

And now, all the sins I've done so far is coming back to me

As I lay to rest on my cold and clunky bed

Even with my tired eyes, I can't sleep a wink

The shadows of the past kept crawling at my feet.

I know I won't get away from it that easily.

Even though after all I did my soul could only rest in hell,

I still clung to the hope that I would continue to breathe

But to hope that ridiculous thing for scum like me is something I shouldn't consider in the first place

I know that very well but that's a wish that comes with a risk.

Until for the first time, when I saw your smiling face

I was speechless, as though it was the first time I had seen the light

I felt like I could breathe freely, I felt alive

The darkness that was spreading in my heart, like magic, disappeared in a flash 

Just feeling these emotions is like a grave sin against those whom I hurt in the past

I'm still weighed down by the chains of condemned truths 

The light that once lit up my life became unbearable for me to stare at after a long time

I realized I wasn't cut for a life with rainbows and butterflies.

It was stupid of me to think that I'm finally standing on firm ground

And think that it will always stay like that

But then it turns out that it's not true

Because this whole time, on top of a frozen lake that could crack open any second with just a single misstep, is where I stood.

ー侘寂.