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#39

Redemption and Damnation 


For the 20 years that I've been here on Earth

Barely living in the same old world

Just letting the days pass by like I'm watching a film

I've always wanted to die.


I've done things worse than the criminals

I broke hearts, let someone feel bad because of the piercing words I threw at them, left them alone without any reason at all, discarded people like they're nothing.


And now, all the sins I've done so far is coming back to me

As I lay to rest on my cold and clunky bed

Even with my tired eyes, I can't sleep a wink

The shadows of the past kept crawling at my feet.


I know I won't get away from it that easily.


Even though after all I did my soul could only rest in hell,

I still clung to the hope that I would continue to breathe

But to hope that ridiculous thing for scum like me is something I shouldn't consider in the first place

I know that very well but that's a wish that comes with a risk.


Until for the first time, when I saw your smiling face

I was speechless, as though it was the first time I had seen the light

I felt like I could breathe freely, I felt alive

The darkness that was spreading in my heart, like magic, disappeared in a flash 


Just feeling these emotions is like a grave sin against those whom I hurt in the past

I'm still weighed down by the chains of condemned truths 

The light that once lit up my life became unbearable for me to stare at after a long time

I realized I wasn't cut for a life with rainbows and butterflies.


It was stupid of me to think that I'm finally standing on firm ground

And think that it will always stay like that

But then it turns out that it's not true

Because this whole time, on top of a frozen lake that could crack open any second with just a single misstep, is where I stood.


ー侘寂.

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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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#61

'consistently inconsistent' Tired of running and chasing While facing the doors that were heavily locked  Which is believed to contain endless joy and peace inside of it I don't know when I could catch it up Those were still miles and miles away from my reach So when I sat down, I quietly told myself that, 'You need a strong heart to easily get back on track after a short rest.' I regret that I took advantage of the belief which often happens in films That no matter what hardship takes place, it will always have a happy ending When I realized all that was just made up I can't help but laugh especially at things  That requires effort and struggle Because deep down, I knew I was still weak I know I still can’t do anything in the end I'm shameless to even whine about everything Without even giving my all when I'm trying. ー侘寂.
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#49

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...
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