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#32

When The Duckling Saw Its Shell 


Whenever I breathe it hurts my lungs because the air is so heavy, I felt a throbbing in the pit of my stomach.

My body has gone numb, my ears are ringing so loudly and my eyes are so fogged up like I'm going blind.


Is this what normally happens when you finally reached your limit? Is this how much I can tolerate the abusive emotions I have? I thought I can do better. I've always successfully escaped difficult situations before things get out of hand.


All this time, I endured endlessly to prevent falling into the pit of pain. I thought these feelings will disappear into thin air. 


I thought I'm finally safe in my solitary confinement, but I should have known they won't let me off so easily. 


I can still feel their hands crawling up on my skin, gripping my wrists with an immense force that it left a deep mark. 


The overwhelming anxiety froze my fingertips up to my chest. Suddenly, I can't move an inch. My head is spinning and I want to throw up my insides.


I'm so tired. I feel pathetic. I feel so disgusted with myself. The fact that I can't even see how much I rot whenever I look at the mirror is making me miserable. 


How I wished all of the ugly feelings that I harbor for such a long time could be visible and be seen by a naked eye. 


I want to see it, I want to touch it. I want to peel it off and burn it to ashes. I wonder how crappy I smell, too?




ー侘寂.

(hahahahah hi! gusto ko lang dumaan. kung sino ka man na nagbabasa nito, salamat salamat sana hindi ka nag-cringe lololol peace!)


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#64

‘Tigal’ Gigising ng maaga para panoorin ang panibagong araw na magsimula. Walang iniintindi kundi ang mga hubog ng ulap at sarili ko lang. Ang payapa na dito ko lang nakukuha, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit kailanman. Dahil dito lang nararamdaman na ako lang ang nag-iisa. Ngunit sa isa pang ikot ng langit ay muling mawawala ang liwanag. Babalik na lamang sa munting silid. Titiisin ang dilim pati ang lamig nitong dala. Hanggang sa mangibabaw na ang takot at pagsisisi. Sa tahimik na kwarto ay may tumatakas na impit, at may hindi nakikitang mga kasama. Hahayaan nalang munang magpakalunod at habulin ang hininga. Bago bumangon at pagmasdan ulit ang panibagong araw na magsimula. ー侘寂.
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#61

'consistently inconsistent' Tired of running and chasing While facing the doors that were heavily locked  Which is believed to contain endless joy and peace inside of it I don't know when I could catch it up Those were still miles and miles away from my reach So when I sat down, I quietly told myself that, 'You need a strong heart to easily get back on track after a short rest.' I regret that I took advantage of the belief which often happens in films That no matter what hardship takes place, it will always have a happy ending When I realized all that was just made up I can't help but laugh especially at things  That requires effort and struggle Because deep down, I knew I was still weak I know I still can’t do anything in the end I'm shameless to even whine about everything Without even giving my all when I'm trying. ー侘寂.
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#49

 A Truce with Life and Death I should have known better To seek out death won't solve it all Perhaps it's the most cowardly thing to do But what can I do when everyone else was so far away All this time I stayed ignorant Because that's how I endured all of their lies Sadness, loneliness, anger---these emotions are the only ones I am familiar with But I shouldn't have fell victim to it What good does it make anyway? To settle with a dead heart has always been an easy way to escape Am I really satisfied with just giving it all up Without even knowing what the sun and trees, the ocean, and seas look like?  A resolve started to slowly build up in my heart I can feel the air filling up my lungs I think this is the first time I can finally breathe It almost felt like I returned from the brink of death  I should have done this from the beginning I should have wished for strength and not my demise I just grew tired of being angry all the time From now on I won't run away...
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