#28

 

Chrysalis

"How can you not fall in love when you just had a passionate kiss with someone you don't know?" a friend asked, referring to the actors of a popular romance movie that were sharing a passionate kiss in a car. It's an iconic scene. And it's being shown on an old television to where we're spending our day off.

 

 

It's an odd topic for a lazy afternoon on a Sunday, while we're enjoying the taste of coffee from a newly opened coffee shop downtown. We could've talked about something common. Like things about our work, or the weather, or even the models of the cars that are passing by outside the window. However, this is uncalled for but harmless. It's not weird either but for some reason, it made me feel things. It sparked my interest rather than our usual small talks.

 

 

I took a long sip, my mind started to wander as I reminisce based on what she wants to know. It suddenly felt like I'm carefully picking out the best photo albums with great shots that I hid beneath my wardrobe. Gradually taking it all out, ripping the covers, and look back in the past while caressing the old portraits.   

 

 

"Hmm, I've also done it before. But maybe at some point in my life, although I am entirely not aware of it, I stopped putting on meanings to anything I do for fun," I simply said. She scoffed.

 

 

"So, doing romantic acts with a random person is fun to you? Didn't know you're this egotistical," She said in dismay, a little disappointed with my answer. Perhaps she was expecting something great as a response, knowing that I'm high-strung and hardworking in my career. But that’s all there is to me. I'm just an ordinary woman with an ordinary life. As much as I'd like it, there's nothing remarkable that happened to me yet. At least nothing worth mentioning.

 

 

Remembering my younger years, I led a straightforward life. I used to be a writer, but a self-proclaimed one. I wrote pieces from time to time whenever inspiration struck me. Be it songs, poems, proses, essays… I just loved writing. So much that it became my salvation. It was the only thing I was good at. But my parents didn't support my passion, and so I was forced to study something that was out of my expertise.

 

 

I didn't get angry at them though. I believed it was the only thing that I should do as their daughter, it's my responsibility to satisfy them and make whatever they want for me to come true. It's the least I can do to repay them for bringing me into this world, as I am deeply grateful for that.

 

 

Even if I wasn't happy and just simply went to the flow of life that they particularly prepared for me. Although barely, I passed and graduated from college with the help of people I spent my university days with. I even got a job with an impressive wage in a recognized hotel in the city, and that's where I'm still working right now.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, I don't regret the decisions I made. In my youthful years, I solely explored, fulfilled my curiosity, and interpreted the world in my way. Learned the things that I didn't know that occur, met truly amazing people, got the chance to fall in love, and realized how beautiful and mysterious this planet is.

 

 

I know this is getting farther from the subject, but remembering all of it... I felt something bloomed in my chest. It may be random and sudden, but at my age, just now I'm finally getting a clearer view of my life. I realized maybe it’s finally time to do what I truly want. I want to do something about my current situation. Like in a painting, I want to add more depth, colors, hues, anything without limiting myself.

 

 

"It's just a kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. No emotions were involved," I sighed. Fragments of memories flashed in my mind. "Just two broken souls trying to fill the void in their hearts by being physically intimate. Hoping they could find the remedy that could temporarily relieve them from pain and sorrows. Even just for a minute. Many people would kill in exchange for that fleeting bliss, compared to the hellish life they endured throughout the years. So, yeah. Unlike those actors who do that every time and getting paid for it, I think I still have the advantage. Because I was having fun. That's all."

 

 

Right. I was just trying to have fun. It is said that pleasure is the highest form of existence. Emotions will come by eventually but it's the experience that matters to me most. Because it's something that we won't have once we're dead.

ー侘寂.