exordiri

"skin & universe" I opened my eyes and saw the gleam from outside trespassing the room A few moments later, I finally pulled back my sanity inside I started the day with the usual, boring routine And it felt like watching the world begin again. My life is always like this I never even had the freedom to look at my surroundings Even though I'm steadily walking the path towards death Despite how close I am to it, I realized maybe I am still a child inside. A child that can't do anything without anyone's permission Who had nothing much to do and lived up to no expectations Whose screams can't be heard because no one listens So I just keep watching my life unfold until something happens. It's kind of tiring, to be stupid and useless all the time To be depending on other things like this Tolerating meaningless bonds with people who clearly don't care about me All of that just to survive as a living speck of nothing in this universe. And as the stars loo...

"Ano sa tingin mo ang pinakaayaw panoorin nang karamihan ngunit 'di pa rin maiwasang pagmasdan?" Kasagutan: Ang pagtakbo ng oras. Ang paglipas ng panahon. Ang pagbabago ng kapiligiran na naaayon sa galaw ng mundo. Itanggi man ng iba, ang pi naka inaayawang tignan ng lahat ay 'yong tanging bagay na may kakayahang sukatin ang hangganan. Marahil sa kadahilanang ayaw natin tanggapin at harapin ang mga bagay na alam natin na unti-unting mawawala. Ikinakahiya natin ang pagiging mahina at alam natin na wala tayong kapangyarihan para kontrolin ang oras. Kaya bilang tao, ang naiwan lamang sa'tin ay isang malaking responsibilidad na bigyan nang halaga ang bawat bagay na alam natin na hindi habambuhay mananatili sa'ting palad. Maraming takot gawin ito dahil wala silang alam kung paano, o kaya'y wala silang tiwala sa sarili na magagawa nila 'yon. Ngunit para sa'kin ay 'wag gawing basehan ang halaga nang isang bagay mula sa pananaw ng iba, dahil ang dapat n...

'at sixes and sevens' I don't know how to say it. Everything around me is painfully quiet. I wonder what you are doing right now. Just tell me if you still want to talk to me somehow. I don't know if I should begin finding my way out. We made promises that we will see each other when time allows. I saw the change maybe because I don't see you every day. I only know you through words but it's enough to make me your prey. I hope you'll look at me someday. I hope you'll search for my warmth along the way. If only this heart had a mouth and could talk. If only our brains could hear each other. Then I won't be making choices if I should stay or stay away. Until I realize I'm alone again. It drives me mad. You drive me mad. I can easily be deceived if you want. You are what matters to me now, whether you like it or not. And I will not sleep again tonight as I wait for your day-long response.  ー侘寂.

Just Where Is It? To wherever you are right now, let me ask you one thing... Have you ever felt like the place that you're in is pushing you away? Like there's this invisible force that wants to chase you out. Either it's a good thing or a bad thing, we don't know for sure. The only certainty is that this isn't the right place for you. How did you even end up there? Is it out of curiosity, or bound by a curse? We are all too naive. In the end, it only got you hurt. The confidence to stay or the courage to leave, which one do you have? Because me, I neither have both. Only fear and anxiety attacks. I just can't blend in to anywhere I go. As time passes by, I learned how to be a mere shadow. Living away from home isn't easy. Where does that home even exist? If only I know, I would've packed my things and went to it without notice. I know it's a pathetic thing to do but the thing is, I'm just very lonely. Well, at least I have this be...

'in less than an hour' We each can feel a second. We each can feel the time move forward. Time leads us all from our sunset to our sunrise. Like trains on a rail, there's no way to reverse the course. It is constant and fast. Unable for us to even dare to chase. But I want to just live this moment with this cold night. I want to kiss darkness instead of searching for light. The existence of time remained uncertain, As the night extended its arms to warp another timeline. But I didn't choose to stay awake tonight Just to count down the numbers remaining and Imagine what my life next year would be like. I don't want to overthink stuff that is beyond my control. What matters to me most right now is I want to have a toast. I certainly did well hanging, although desperately, onto the thin thread laid out. I don't mind doing it all again in 2021. ー侘寂.

 two bodies, one heart, and a half-hearted I'm a miserable, pathetic, and indecisive human being. In the hopes of concealing that reality, I tried a lot of things so all my mistakes could be forgotten. And I had no idea I'd find consolation in sex, which I chose out of desperation. I met this guy. Tall, average build, pale skin, looks like someone who can be easily fooled because of his kind face and kind personality. He is someone I didn't see coming nor expect to involve himself with me. He's like a gentle breeze that enters through my window in the summer heat. That's why I've been running away from him, scared that I might taint him. But I can't distance myself from him.  So, I've been running in circles. While I'm dreading to know how he feels about me, I can't get his flushed ears and shaky breath out of my mind. My senses have become strangely intensified as I listen to his loud heartbeat and us kissing. I thought I wanna hear more o...

Embracing Gravity Losing the place where I can belong while floating near the clouds, I've always been looking for a place where my feet can land on. And getting bound by you, I've finally got to land on the ground. You smell of home, my love. ー侘寂.