exordiri

'a curse or a blessing?' Will I be saved, if I pray to the heavens?  Because the demons you left stayed with me. ー侘寂.

SUPERNOVA the love I had for you shattered into dust it painted the night sky and twinkled like the stars my eyes can't see through the thick fog, I can't even properly breathe as my heart keeps weighing me down. the pent up feelings were seeping through the cracks. it's only a matter of time until the trigger comes. let me run away from you let me run away from you let me fly through the galaxies before the stars explode let me pass the gateway of your heart, I want to leave I want out, I accept defeat you won the senseless battle did you finally felt relief?  does it really matter who hurt who? who  hit first? who leaves first? we both suffer the same pain doesn't matter how many scars leave me alone, free me  from your harmful grip your pride can't even  take the heavy truth sailing through the bitter air hovering me was our memories the ship is gonna wreck it'd only take a short time before we collide someplace. ー侘寂.

HEART AND DEAD I saw you hanging on one of the thick  branches of your  favorite tree, wearing  your yesterday's clothes  when we went out to  eat our usual burgers and ice cream I saw how your body turned white and your black-stained lips remained open like you were trying so hard to catch your breath I don't want to think you changed your mind in the middle of doing what you've always done and I don't want to know  the reason behind  your quick hesitation I won't applaud you for the act you pulled But I'd be lying if I said you're not as beautiful as you were yesterday the tight marks around your neck, swollen small wrists, your delicate skin that once felt so smooth and now as hard as marble against my palm;  these things only  added how awfully  aesthetic you can be I feel sick for admiring your beautiful corpse;  for the fire in my heart  still burns intensely  because of you I feel pathetic for feeling  this eve...

CIGARETTES AFTER METH as usual, tonight is cold but with you by my side,  it changes everything just help me lit this cigarette and let's puff a smoke together crazy how vast the sky is  untouched and can only be admired a thousand miles away from where our feet are planted I can't fathom what it'd be like to be there but there I thought, it's just like you I saw how you pout your lips before it kissed the cigarette with it and damn, trust me, you look so lovely, so lovely even with your downward eyes that looked sad all the time these arms of mine want to hold you and stop you from breaking and falling apart even with all the smoke hovering us that came from our mouths and the cold fog, it couldn't mask what we are feeling it couldn't hide my adoration towards you how I wish you'd realize you're not as empty as you thought co'z like the sky, it might be clear for the moment but that doesn't make it less amazing and astonishing to look at your em...

VELLICHOR these letters in my hand contained the words that are written with my  feelings from the past, this is the evidence of how much I've been trying to find  the comfort and love that w ould be right for me. thinking back, I was genuinely happy with them--- their arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and received soft kisses that can even  make my demons dance to it.  everything felt right, terribly right.  I even felt the butterflies in my stomach. but emotions and feelings, for me, were such a mystery far greater than Jesus and the city of Atlantis. we experience these things without us learning what it actually means, and create an abundance of  victims because of it. and as I scanned through these papers, it felt like I involuntarily peeked into  the world where I used to be in. I had bittersweet memories with it, and it's not like I'd want to remember further.  but it's gratifying to see how far I went through, realizing this great dist...

TORPEFY I never wanted to feel  I never wanted the time I never wanted to be in here I never wanted this all I wanted is to live I wanted to breathe I wanted to be ordinary, out of anyone's sight mundane and whose presence is like a wind I wanted to be in my own pace not following anyone's path nor their guide and advice I couldn't care less about everything I need to break these chains and destroy what is linked between me and them I need to get out of this narrow cliff and start struggling before it's too late I've wanted to do all of these for a long time yet I'm still here sitting in the dark doing nothing but wasting my life I already lost the chance to fly out of this place  and lost the soul because I am weak the dream that has ended drastically unable to save me, no one heard my plea.  ー侘寂.

CODE RED We set outside the world to keep searching, The red string of fate as our guide. We keep walking not knowing where it might lead us, But how did I end up bleeding? I wonder what caused me to bleed. What made me tremble so much? Why am I suddenly hesitating To march my feet forward?  Ahh , an idea popped to my head. It's this again,  I thought. If I knew how much I'd suffer, Just to find the love I wanted, Maybe I should've never tried. If I continue searching for it,  I feel I might lose my mind.  ー侘寂.

Perfect BULLSHIT   To you who's reading this: If s/he makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, say's s/he's sorry. Makes an effort, holds your hand, works hard to make you happy, and attempts to make you happy. Then, believe it or not, that DOES NOT define what a perfect person should, could, and would be. We cannot possibly know, because perfection does not exist. It is unattainable. However, the best we can do is to have someone that can make you feel like you are the perfect person for them. ー侘寂.

The Usual Routine I woke up and sat on the bed, Contemplating what I should do for the day. I scratched my head, scooted over, and got up. Maybe I should do what I've always done: Be pathetic.  ー侘寂.